|Sam, just keepin' it real . . . Trick 'r Treat (2007)|
Upon reflection, I've realized my Halloween ennui (read that three times quickly) stems not from within, but from a rising ambivalence toward the holiday perpetuated by the world around me. No one seems to celebrate Halloween night correctly anymore. My Octobers had always been filled with movie marathons, Halloween themed projects, and seasonal treats. That was always capped off by a quiet evening at home basking in the soft glow of the jack-o-lanterns, enjoying a few five star horror movies, and answering the door when the trick-or-treaters came calling. Where did all the trick-or-treaters go?
That last one was the key component, I think, but now I'm lucky to get three or four trick-or-treaters a year. How the hell am I supposed to maintain my child like sense of wonder about Halloween when the children can't? I don't blame the kids, though. It's the parents who've let the holiday go to shit. I'm looking at you, Mom and Dad. Halloween doesn't just happen. We all need to step up our games (I'm including myself here) and do our parts to get set things right. Trunk-or-Treat in a parking lot isn't good enough. I want my baby Gunnar growing up with the same kick ass version of Halloween I knew.
I've worked up a plan of action, and if we all do our parts we can bring back Halloween from the edge of oblivion. Following are seven steps we can all take to keep Halloween from becoming irrelevant. Do it for the kids - and if I happen to get back my Halloween mojo in the process, so much the better.
Step 1 - Take Your Kids Door To Door
Trunk-or-Treat doesn't cut it. Seriously, who decided letting children wander around parking lots digging in people's trunks for candy was somehow less dangerous than going door to door in your own neighborhood? Find out where all the neighborhood pervs live beforehand, and plan a proper trick-or-treating route accordingly. You'll be right there with the kids, right? Of course you will.
Step 2 - Don't Micro Manage Your Kids' Choice Of Halloween Costume
Try not to let your unfulfilled childhood desire to be a pretty ballerina make your darling little boy a laughingstock. Kids loooove the autonomy of choosing their own costumes. What was your favorite costume as a child? Bet your Mom didn't pick it out for you.
Step 3 - Celebrate Halloween On October 31st
No one reschedules Christmas when it inconveniently falls on a Sunday. Halloween is October 31st. Period.
Step 4 - Don't Make Halloween Into Something That Sucks
"Harvest Festivals" suck. Don't make Halloween into a "Harvest Festival".
Step 5 - If You Don't Have Kids, Have Proper Treats On Hand, And Don't Be That Dick Who Turns Off Your Porch Light
The dicks know who they are. They're begging for tricks, so be sure to seize the opportunity to teach the young'uns about karma.
Step 6 - Actually Carve A Jack-O-Lantern
Don't paint a goofy face on your pumpkin. Don't glue parts onto your pumpkin a la Mr. Potatohead. Get on up in those pumpkin guts and do it right!
Step 7 - Let The Kids Watch At Least One Wildly Inappropriate Horror Movie That's Sure To Give Them Nightmares
It's a rite of passage. Sure, the kids might wake up screaming from the night terrors afterwards, but after that it'll turn into a cherished memory.
You get the idea, folks. We can do this! If you think I've missed anything, let me know by leaving a comment below. You've still got plenty of time to get your own plan of action in place before the big night!
Happy Halloween again!
Posted by Brandon Early