Movies At Dog Farm Presents: A Guest Post By Bob Mallett From Candy-Coated Razor Blades

Bob Mallett, Candy-Coated Razor Blades

  Hell Of An Heirloom, Lady

                                  By Bob Mallett

Candy-Coated Razor Blades

HI!  How ya doin?  I'm Bob and I'm stepping into the Dog Pound today to...

What?

Oh, Dog FARM!  I thought I noticed a distinct lack of FOX cameras around.

Well... that really doesn't change anything.  I'm still here as part of the Gore-A-Thon to tell you about a movie. 

'Cause that's what I do, see?

Anyway, I try to make it my life's mission to bring horror movies to the masses and my cousin tells me that her friend really likes my blog and wants me to review this flick, Keepsake (2008).

I've never wanted to slap a stranger so hard in my life

Don't get me wrong.  Indie torture horror?  Awesome.  Kidnapping serial killers?  Extra cool.  Shock collars?  Sign me up.  This movie, though?  SO MUCH POTENTIAL!  So little of it actually used.

The story goes like this.  Chick breaks down and has to call a tow truck.  Tow truck guy shows up, only he's not actually the tow truck guy, and kidnaps Chick for 30 days of torture. 

Yep.  Looks just like this through the whole movie.

He already has a pet.  OK.  Chick gets to wear a shock collar.  Uh-huh.  Stuff that should be interesting but really isn't happens.  Woo.  There are twists that have to do with multiple personalities, genital removal, piano-wire dentistry and scrapbooking.  Yay.  Chick isn't actually locked in a cage or anything so you spend 90% of the movie wondering why she doesn't just, oh, I don't know... leave.

 

(I'm pretty sure that the remote on the collar only goes so far.  I mean, unless the mute tow truck driver somehow knows how to put a satellite antenna on there.  That would be cool but unlikely.) 

So, yeah, anyway... ummm... Yeah.

That's it.

About as exciting as it gets.

No, really.  This isn't all that complicated a watch.  There's no artistry, here.  It's three people in a cabin with a barn, sharp implements and a few extra body parts lying around.  The actors walk through this thing like they've been sucking on the biggest bong, ever.   The lead tries to be all seductive and shit and comes off looking like Olive Oyl in heat.  Seriously?  You just want her to do whatever “torture porn rescue operation” she's gotta do so we can stop wanting to punch all of them in the gonads for being assholes.  If I hadn't been ASKED to watch it, I could have lived my life peacefully without knowing it ever existed.

Captivity was better than this and that movie sucked donkey balls.

I literally cannot dislike this movie any more than I already do.  It hurts me that I did my cousin a favor and she betrayed me like this.  I think I'ma have to have a chat with her husband to arrange a suitable punishment (that does not involve actually hurting her because I simply will not have that in my family and domestic violence is all bad and stuff).  I just don't feel like making the drive. 

Actually, that won't happen because, in all honesty, I watch bad movies on purpose so I have something to bitch about.  It's my raison d'etre.  I come from a long line of complainers.

ANYWAY, thanks for joinin' me.  Come on over and check out my blog Candy-Coated Razor Blades if you want, Monday through Friday.  I won't bite.

Much.

And only if you ask me to.

Posted by Bob Mallett

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Movies At Dog Farm Presents: "A Giant Wave Of Delectably Delicious Death" by Bill Harner, Guest Writer

Bill Harner, Freelance Movie Enthusiast

     Imagine, if you will, waking up from a peaceful nap to see a wave of epic proportions bearing down on you. And it's made entirely of sushi. As your life flashes before your eyes the irony of being crushed to death by a delicious wave of death isn't wasted. Just before you close your eyes to embrace your tasty, tasty death you see a robot samurai, armed with a sword made of eyeballs and toes, surfing the tidal wave and battling a jet pack wearing alien who is wearing a suit of armor made from the still dripping corpses of a Kabuki troop and armed with a rocket launcher that shoots out his taint.   

     If you find yourself strangely intrigued and wanting more, Sushi Typhoon has a movie (or seven) for you.  Sushi Typhoon was born from the blood, guts, and circuits of the insane horror, gore, and sci-fi genres Japan. It came into being in 2010 with the intent to create low-budget horror, science fiction, and fantasy films aimed at an international audience.

     Helldriver, Yakuza Warrior, and Mutant Girls Squad all share the common DNA in the stylings of visual effects creators and directors of the genre classics Tokyo Gore Police, Samurai Princess, and Machine Girl. In that vein Helldriver, Yakuza Warrior, and Mutant Girls Squad probably spent more on the makeup and prosthetic appliances than the rest of the film. Which, combined with over the top plots, acting that goes from half decent to “how can they manage to stay in character, this scene is so ridiculous?", and a wonderfully dark sense of humor makes them absolutely delightful to watch. 

     And this dude is responsible for most of the awesomeness. 

Director Noboru Iguchi

     Since Yakuza Weapon was my most recent viewing, that’s where I’ll start.  Yakuza Weapon centers around a young Yakuza who comes home to Japan when he is informed that his father, a Yakuza leader, has been assassinated. As the story progresses, the young Yakuza encounters, and deals with, various people and the associated problems they bring him and his two helpers; in the way that only a wealthy 16 year old who dropped acid while watching Shogun and employing a screen writer to capture his every thought, can handle it. Amazingly douchey fedora on the hero? Check. More decapitations than a Klingon orgy? Check. Blood that flows freer than the Windex at a Greek family reunion? Double check. Foppish assistant to the bad guy who counts to potato? Hellz yeah, Snootchie Bootchies! (Any movie that features someone counting by potato is award worthy, in my book)  Strap on Robo-dildo? …Ok, who's the jackass who wrote that into the damn script? Not cool, man, not cool. What's that? You wrote in 47 metric tonnes of dynamite and a rocket launching knee?  Ok, we're cool, Brah.
 

     There is more awesomeness to this flick but I don't want to spoil anything because there were a couple of surprises that made me giggle so hard I almost sharted.

     Helldriver takes place in a divided Japan.  The country is walled off into two halves. The normal half, and the zombie half. Seems like a good start, right? Throw in some great humor, a makeup and prosthesis budget that is greater than the acting budget, and visual effects mostly made of rubber, blood, and blood colored pixels and you’ve got yourself a movie. Somehow the main character ends up tasked with fighting off the Zombie invasion. There’s a few twists and turns and we find out that her evil mom/step mom (I’m not totally sure) is the Zombie queen. The heroine finds herself outfitted with a chainsaw katana and a car that makes Herbie seem not nearly as cool.

 

     Mutant Girl Squad centers around a teenage girl who finds out that while her mom is human her husband is some funktacular alien/demon hybrid (made up with the leftover parts from Tokyo Gore Police and Robo Geisha) and the police are trying to kill him and the heroine. She escapes, thanks to her father’s sacrifice, and comes under the tutelage of some more of these beings with some odd powers. There’s a creepy bi-sexual being who tries to screw every man he captures, ass-chainsaws, tit swords, and a charming story of friendship.

     Karate Robo Zaborgar.  What this is I don’t even know. I can’t begin to properly describe it so I’m just going to write what I posted to the Book of Faces as I viewed it:

Post 1: I have discovered where old Power Rangers costumes, special effects and acting coaches go to die. Karate Robo Zaborgar!
I am about ten minutes into it and it makes Robo Geisha seem the height of whatever you call this genre of Japanese film making.
 

Post 2:  Point in its favor: Man breast milk. And fake spitting.
 

Post 3: Point against : worst subtitles. Ever.  

Post from friend commenting on my observations:  "Karate Robo Zaborgar" said out loud sounds like you are getting ready to say something awesome and then had a stroke before you could finish it.
 

Post 4: Point for: just introduced an evil robot named Diarrhea Robot.  

Post 5: I wish I had the fifth of Scotch we polished off last night right now.  

Post 6: Point for: bad guy Cyborg named "King Africa" which is a Japanese guy in a Dashiki with ping pong ball eyes sticking out of his face.  

Post 7:  Point against and for: main character sitting on his robot motorcycle eating a roll and crying.
 

Post 8: Ooooo.... we got tit missiles from the main bad cyborg lady. And a perverted motorcycle robot.  

Post 9:  And a human/Cyborg sex scene as only the folks at Sushi Typhoon could imagine it...
 

Post 10:  Rocket wheelchair. Powered by fart. I could not make this stuff up. I just want to know what drugs are legal in Japan that they come up with this stuff.

     Cold Fish is possibly the strangest of the bunch.  Perhaps it’s the normalcy of it all that got to me. It’s loosely based on a couple of serial killers in Japan.  It centers around the hapless existence of a small fish trader who makes an unlikely friend when his daughter is caught stealing.
 

     There is gore and blood but in a much more refined and realistic manner than the other offerings from the Typhoon. No fountainous spurts of the glorious red stuff; just the satisfying dark red that clings and permeates certain scenes in disgustingly beautiful way.  Abusive relationships, random and seemingly nonsensical emphasis on western religious symbols, chopped off peckers, microwaved food and corpse play are all staples of the film. If you have dreams of becoming a serial killer but aren't sure how to dispose of the bodied this film may have some pointers for you.

     I haven’t had the opportunity to view Deadball or Aliens Vs. Ninjas yet but I have a feeling I won’t be disappointed by them.

Posted by Brandon Early for Bill Harner

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