Texas Chainsaw 3D now for four days. I've been wringing my hands in front of the laptop trying to come up with an angle. I've given up.
It's wretched. Don't let morbid curiosity get the better of you. If you must go, make sure you put on your 3D glasses in time to enjoy that wild, clockworky Lionsgate thingy, then thrill to the archival footage of the 1974 original that opens the movie, then get the f**k outta Dodge. Those bad reviews you've read don't even scratch the surface. I composed a better script on the way home from the theater. At most, it was a fifteen minute drive. Somebody owes me $48.00.
Why then, you may ask, did it take me four days to post about it? I wondered that myself. Writing a scathing review should be a snap, right? Then, as I sat here bathed in the glow of an empty laptop screen, it finally occurred to me. I'd been experiencing the Five Stages Of Grief.
Stage 1 - Denial
Tobe Hooper wouldn't executive produce anything that pisses all over the legacy of his brilliant, genre defining 1974 masterpiece, right? It can't possibly be as bad as it seemed at first blush. I'm probably being too hard on it, holding it up to an impossible standard. Never review the movie you wanted it to be, review the movie it is. I kind of enjoyed the (telegraphed) twist at the end, right?
I'll live with it a few days, and then I'll be able to appreciate the misunderstood glory of Texas Chainsaw 3D.
Stage 2 - Anger
But wait . . . I'm just making excuses for this shameful exhibition. This miserable excuse for a movie squandered every opportunity! How can you waste the terror inherent in creeping into Leatherface's basement lair alone by having the unfortunate soul doing so holding his cellphone aloft so the two ninnies back in the police station can monitor his progress, thereby insuring that the movie will keep cutting from the dank, creepy basement back to the safe, brightly lit police station every few seconds and destroy any potential for suspense? Has anyone involved with this travesty ever even seen a horror movie?
Where do you get off telling the whole world to disregard Tobe Hooper's first "real" sequel so you can rewrite canon to accommodate this dreck? And what about that carnival business? Why have Leatherface storm a crowded carnival and then just do nothing with it? This is actively pissing me off! Now who do I see about that $48.00?
Stage 3 - Bargaining
Look, man, I'll forgive everything if you promise me a director's cut on disc that eliminates the first two thirds of the movie, completely restages the final third, and adds about eighty minutes of the 1974 original to the opening sequence.
Stage 4 - Depression
I could have spent that $48.00 on tickets to Django Unchained.
Stage 5 - Acceptance
I already knew it would be like this. I wasn't surprised. Horror fans will keep getting movies like this as long as we keep lining up to buy tickets to them. General audiences don't expect much from movies anymore, and they expect even less from movies that reside in the ghettoized genre of horror.
There will undoubtedly be a Texas Chainsaw 4 (the studio's math, not mine), and that's scarier than anything Texas Chainsaw 3D had to offer.
Posted by Brandon Early