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Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Five Stages Of Grief As They Pertain To "Texas Chainsaw 3D"

     I've been mulling over my viewing of Texas Chainsaw 3D now for four days.  I've been wringing my hands in front of the laptop trying to come up with an angle.  I've given up.

     It's wretched.  Don't let morbid curiosity get the better of you.  If you must go, make sure you put on  your 3D glasses in time to enjoy that wild, clockworky Lionsgate thingy, then thrill to the archival footage of the 1974 original that opens the movie, then get the f**k outta Dodge.  Those bad reviews you've read don't even scratch the surface.  I composed a better script on the way home from the theater.  At most, it was a fifteen minute drive.  Somebody owes me $48.00.

     Why then, you may ask, did it take me four days to post about it?  I wondered that myself.  Writing a scathing review should be a snap, right?  Then, as I sat here bathed in the glow of an empty laptop screen, it finally occurred to me.  I'd been experiencing the Five Stages Of Grief.



     Stage 1 - Denial
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     Tobe Hooper wouldn't executive produce anything that pisses all over the legacy of his brilliant, genre defining 1974 masterpiece, right?  It can't possibly be as bad as it seemed at first blush.  I'm probably being too hard on it, holding it up to an impossible standard.  Never review the movie you wanted it to be, review the movie it is.  I kind of enjoyed the (telegraphed) twist at the end, right?

     I'll live with it a few days, and then I'll be able to appreciate the misunderstood glory of Texas Chainsaw 3D.



     Stage 2 - Anger
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     But wait . . . I'm just making excuses for this shameful exhibition.  This miserable excuse for a movie squandered every opportunity!  How can you waste the terror inherent in creeping into Leatherface's basement lair alone by having the unfortunate soul doing so holding his cellphone aloft so the two ninnies back in the police station can monitor his progress, thereby insuring that the movie will keep cutting from the dank, creepy basement back to the safe, brightly lit police station every few seconds and destroy any potential for suspense?  Has anyone involved with this travesty ever even seen a horror movie?

     Where do you get off telling the whole world to disregard Tobe Hooper's first "real" sequel so you can rewrite canon to accommodate this dreck?  And what about that carnival business?  Why have Leatherface storm a crowded carnival and then just do nothing with it?  This is actively pissing me off!  Now who do I see about that $48.00?




     Stage 3 - Bargaining
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     Look, man, I'll forgive everything if you promise me a director's cut on disc that eliminates the first two thirds of the movie, completely restages the final third, and adds about eighty minutes of the 1974 original to the opening sequence. 



     Stage 4 - Depression
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     I could have spent that $48.00 on tickets to Django Unchained.



     Stage 5 - Acceptance
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     I already knew it would be like this.  I wasn't surprised.  Horror fans will keep getting movies like this as long as we keep lining up to buy tickets to them.   General audiences don't expect much from movies anymore, and they expect even less from movies that reside in the ghettoized genre of horror.



     There will undoubtedly be a Texas Chainsaw 4 (the studio's math, not mine), and that's scarier than anything Texas Chainsaw 3D had to offer. 



Posted by Brandon Early

6 comments:

Phil Neff said...

lol Brilliant, dood.

Brandon Early said...

Thanks, Phil. I chewed on it for several days, worked out where TC3D went wrong, worked out what I would have done differently, and finally realized I just couldn't bring myself to spend that much time and effort composing the post for a movie that had already eaten up more of my time and effort than it deserved. Just dismal.

The Info Zombie said...

You are kind and optimistic. The main reason behind making such a dreadful creation was to do what you lament in your review: take your $48 out of your pocket and put it into theirs.
No movie in Hollywood loses money. And Horror makes good revenues off small budgets.
No one sets out to make a bad movie, but cost effective decisions end up sinking the whole effort.
You will never get your money back, but you will be a smarter consumer in the long run. Just go rewatch a movie you love and feel like you are balancing the karma budget by getting that pleasure from something you already paid for!

Great read! Keep it up!

Erin said...

This is one of the most original review write-ups I've seen in a while! Great post. I hope your sacrifice serves as a cautionary tale, and prevents some other horror fan from spending their good money on this crap.

Jonny Dead said...

You're a good man Brandon. Your self-sacrifice won't be forgotten (to the tune of $48 and 2 hours time).

Personally, I refuse to see any 21st century film with a title ending in '3D' so I lucked out here.

Bob Mallett said...

You know... if you ever decide to storm Lionsgate with torches and pitchforks, I am totally down with a road trip.