Movies At Dog Farm (Old Build): Bob Mallett

Friday, February 15, 2013

Movies At Dog Farm Presents: A Guest Post By Bob Mallett From Candy-Coated Razor Blades

Bob Mallett, Candy-Coated Razor Blades

Hell Of An Heirloom, Lady

By Bob Mallett

Candy-Coated Razor Blades

HI! How ya doin? I'm Bob and I'm stepping into the Dog Pound today to...

What?

Oh, Dog FARM! I thought I noticed a distinct lack of FOX cameras around.

Well... that really doesn't change anything. I'm still here as part of the Gore-A-Thon to tell you about a movie.

'Cause that's what I do, see?

Anyway, I try to make it my life's mission to bring horror movies to the masses and my cousin tells me that her friend really likes my blog and wants me to review this flick, Keepsake (2008).

I've never wanted to slap a stranger so hard in my life

Don't get me wrong. Indie torture horror? Awesome. Kidnapping serial killers? Extra cool. Shock collars? Sign me up. This movie, though? SO MUCH POTENTIAL! So little of it actually used.

The story goes like this. Chick breaks down and has to call a tow truck. Tow truck guy shows up, only he's not actually the tow truck guy, and kidnaps Chick for 30 days of torture.

Yep. Looks just like this through the whole movie.

He already has a pet. OK. Chick gets to wear a shock collar. Uh-huh. Stuff that should be interesting but really isn't happens. Woo. There are twists that have to do with multiple personalities, genital removal, piano-wire dentistry and scrapbooking. Yay. Chick isn't actually locked in a cage or anything so you spend 90% of the movie wondering why she doesn't just, oh, I don't know... leave.

(I'm pretty sure that the remote on the collar only goes so far. I mean, unless the mute tow truck driver somehow knows how to put a satellite antenna on there. That would be cool but unlikely.)

So, yeah, anyway... ummm... Yeah.

That's it.

About as exciting as it gets.

No, really. This isn't all that complicated a watch. There's no artistry, here. It's three people in a cabin with a barn, sharp implements and a few extra body parts lying around. The actors walk through this thing like they've been sucking on the biggest bong, ever. The lead tries to be all seductive and shit and comes off looking like Olive Oyl in heat. Seriously? You just want her to do whatever “torture porn rescue operation” she's gotta do so we can stop wanting to punch all of them in the gonads for being assholes. If I hadn't been ASKED to watch it, I could have lived my life peacefully without knowing it ever existed.

Captivity was better than this and that movie sucked donkey balls.

I literally cannot dislike this movie any more than I already do. It hurts me that I did my cousin a favor and she betrayed me like this. I think I'ma have to have a chat with her husband to arrange a suitable punishment (that does not involve actually hurting her because I simply will not have that in my family and domestic violence is all bad and stuff). I just don't feel like making the drive.

Actually, that won't happen because, in all honesty, I watch bad movies on purpose so I have something to bitch about. It's my raison d'etre. I come from a long line of complainers.

ANYWAY, thanks for joinin' me. Come on over and check out my blog Candy-Coated Razor Blades if you want, Monday through Friday. I won't bite.

Much.

And only if you ask me to.