The Five Stages Of Grief As They Pertain To "Texas Chainsaw 3D"

     I've been mulling over my viewing of Texas Chainsaw 3D now for four days.  I've been wringing my hands in front of the laptop trying to come up with an angle.  I've given up.

     It's wretched.  Don't let morbid curiosity get the better of you.  If you must go, make sure you put on  your 3D glasses in time to enjoy that wild, clockworky Lionsgate thingy, then thrill to the archival footage of the 1974 original that opens the movie, then get the f**k outta Dodge.  Those bad reviews you've read don't even scratch the surface.  I composed a better script on the way home from the theater.  At most, it was a fifteen minute drive.  Somebody owes me $48.00.

     Why then, you may ask, did it take me four days to post about it?  I wondered that myself.  Writing a scathing review should be a snap, right?  Then, as I sat here bathed in the glow of an empty laptop screen, it finally occurred to me.  I'd been experiencing the Five Stages Of Grief.



     Stage 1 - Denial
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     Tobe Hooper wouldn't executive produce anything that pisses all over the legacy of his brilliant, genre defining 1974 masterpiece, right?  It can't possibly be as bad as it seemed at first blush.  I'm probably being too hard on it, holding it up to an impossible standard.  Never review the movie you wanted it to be, review the movie it is.  I kind of enjoyed the (telegraphed) twist at the end, right?

     I'll live with it a few days, and then I'll be able to appreciate the misunderstood glory of Texas Chainsaw 3D.



     Stage 2 - Anger
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     But wait . . . I'm just making excuses for this shameful exhibition.  This miserable excuse for a movie squandered every opportunity!  How can you waste the terror inherent in creeping into Leatherface's basement lair alone by having the unfortunate soul doing so holding his cellphone aloft so the two ninnies back in the police station can monitor his progress, thereby insuring that the movie will keep cutting from the dank, creepy basement back to the safe, brightly lit police station every few seconds and destroy any potential for suspense?  Has anyone involved with this travesty ever even seen a horror movie?

     Where do you get off telling the whole world to disregard Tobe Hooper's first "real" sequel so you can rewrite canon to accommodate this dreck?  And what about that carnival business?  Why have Leatherface storm a crowded carnival and then just do nothing with it?  This is actively pissing me off!  Now who do I see about that $48.00?




     Stage 3 - Bargaining
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     Look, man, I'll forgive everything if you promise me a director's cut on disc that eliminates the first two thirds of the movie, completely restages the final third, and adds about eighty minutes of the 1974 original to the opening sequence. 



     Stage 4 - Depression
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     I could have spent that $48.00 on tickets to Django Unchained.



     Stage 5 - Acceptance
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     I already knew it would be like this.  I wasn't surprised.  Horror fans will keep getting movies like this as long as we keep lining up to buy tickets to them.   General audiences don't expect much from movies anymore, and they expect even less from movies that reside in the ghettoized genre of horror.



     There will undoubtedly be a Texas Chainsaw 4 (the studio's math, not mine), and that's scarier than anything Texas Chainsaw 3D had to offer. 



Posted by Brandon Early

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Movies At Dog Farm Presents: Leatherface, U.S. Ambassador

Welcome to the U.N. Mr. Ambassador!

     It seems I may have spared myself  from stepping into a steaming pile of cinematic failure last weekend by being unable to attend a showing of Texas Chainsaw 3D.  By extension, I avoided writing yet another review of yet another apparently lackluster sequel to one of the most beleaguered and inconsistent franchises in horror.  Good.  If I feel differently after viewing the film myself, I'll gladly post a retraction.  I do have a history of championing movies everyone else loathes.  I simply can't believe that anyone intentionally makes a bad movie, even if the movie's genesis is commercially driven.

     I have, however, had the Chainsaw movies on the brain this week.  I've also been fascinated recently by the fact that Movies At Dog Farm has been getting hits from foreign countries, something that it just never occurred to me might happen when I launched this blog on Thanksgiving day, 2012.  The two seemingly disparate topics have been marinating in my brainpan together,  and I arrived at the following conclusion: director Tobe Hooper's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) is the most uniquely American franchise spawning horror movie around.

     The United States is a big country.  I believe the U.S. is still imagined by much of the world beyond our borders as a Wild West free-for-all that tolerates - and even encourages - an egocentric and often violently destructive self-sufficiency for the individual.  In particular, I suspect that to much of the world the great state of Texas epitomizes the U.S. as a whole.  It's perceived as a vast, lawless frontier populated by loud, arrogant, gun-toting, giant-belt-buckle-wearing blowhards with cowboy hats.  This is an erroneous stereotype, of course - so please, no hate mail - but one that our history, media, and (let's be honest) our interaction with other countries often reinforces.

TCM's Grandpa, conserving energy

     Consider for a moment the character of Grandpa (John Dugan) in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as a symbolic representation of the United States.  Grandpa use to be the best killer in the slaughterhouse, and the entire Sawyer family delusionally believes he still is.  They're determined to keep alive the memories of past glories, and they still revere the last remaining symbolic vestige of their former preeminence - a symbol now old, frail, and almost comically unable to swing a hammer.  He perks up when he gets a taste of blood, though . . .

     Consider, also, how the character of The Cook (Jim Siedow) is more concerned with the inconvenience of replacing a chainsawed door than with the wholesale slaughter that's been occurring in his home all day.  The slaughterhouse is closed, and the gas station has no gas.  The Sawyers are doing what they feel they must to survive.  The entire family's actions are based upon a flawed morality that suggests that because they're doing what they must to get by that it's kinda sorta O.K. 

TCM's deceptively tranquil farmhouse

     What else should they be expected to do, though, when interloping outsiders keep encroaching on their territory?  It's interesting to note, however, that the territory the Sawyers perceive as their own appears to be theirs only by virtue of the fact that they're squatting on it, and the outside world is too indifferent or oblivious to force them out.  They've staked their claim, taken something that wasn't theirs, and then fiercely defended their "ownership" of what they've taken against all comers. 

Leatherface pauses for reflection

     Perhaps only Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) himself might be absolved of his trespasses, because he seems to be the only member of the Sawyer clan who displays any anxiety or remorse about what he's doing, and he's too simple to know any better.  He's defending the family's home and doing his part to provide for their needs.  He's following orders.  He's but one microscopic cog in an infernal machine that leaves death and destruction in its wake, and all he's trying to do is get dinner ready.

     . . . and really, what's more uniquely American than the whole family joining together at the dinner table for some quality time?

Posted by Brandon Early

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The Dog Farm Doesn't Quite Review "John Dies At The End"

Currently Available on VOD

     I had no intention of posting again until I reviewed Texas Chainsaw 3D this weekend, but then I got gobsmacked by John Dies At The End last night.  This was one of those increasingly rare instances in which I knew virtually nothing about the movie before sitting down to watch it.  I knew it was directed by Don (Phantasm) Coscarelli, I knew Paul Giamatti was in it, and I knew it was based on a cultish novel I hadn't read.  That's pretty much all I knew.

     It seems that viewer response to John Dies At The End has been mixed.  Those familiar with the book grouse that the movie adaptation takes too many liberties with the source material and omits too many key narrative points.  Those unfamiliar with the book seem (mostly) to love the movie.  I'm glad - for now, at least - that I'm unfamiliar with the book, because John Dies At The End was the most fun I've had watching a movie in a long while.

     Now before I go on I must, in the interest of full disclosure, mention that my friend Adrienne - also unfamiliar with the book - watched it with me and loathed it.  She characterized her viewing experience as "an hour and a half of my life that I'll never get back" and demanded to know why I hadn't warned her of what we were about to watch.  Clearly, then, John Dies At The End will not be everyone's cup of tea, regardless of one's level of familiarity with the source material.  Luckily, I was able to get back in her good graces tonight with a viewing of William Friedkin's Killer Joe, which we both enjoyed.

     As indicated in the title of the post, this isn't really going to be a proper review of John Dies At The End because I wouldn't want to be the jackass who ruins the movie for you by giving away all of the "good stuff".  In a nutshell:  college dropouts John and David are introduced to a drug called Soy Sauce that transports its users across dimensions and time, and that sauce just might leave its users a few clicks shy of human in the process.  Obviously, this is all part of an invasion originating from another dimension.  The fate of all humanity hangs in the balance.   

     Though crafted on a modest budget, the cheesy effects suit the movie's tone perfectly.  The CGI is a little dodgy, but the practical effects - supervised by Robert Kurtzman and Robert Hall - give up the 80's style latex and slime in glorious fashion.  The "apocalypse on a budget" vibe invites favorable comparisons to Coscarelli's own Phantasm series, still my favorite genre franchise.  Did I mention Angus "The Tall Man" Scrimm's cameo?  Please, guys, give us just one more Phantasm installment while The Tall Man still lives.

     Director Don Coscarelli and his cast are clearly having a blast telling this twisted tale, and the freewheeling absurdity of pretty much everything that happens is a delight.  I was grinning from ear to ear throughout, and laughed out loud on more than one occasion.  I don't often say this, but I can't wait for the sequel.  Remember, though - Adrienne was not amused.

     I'm debating whether or not I should read the book now . . .



Posted by Brandon Early

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Movies At Dog Farm Reflects On 2012 And Looks Forward To 2013

The Sun Sets On 2012

     If anyone had told me at this time last year that I'd be sitting down in front of a laptop on New Year's Eve 2012 composing a post for my own movie blog, I wouldn't have believed it.  I'd never even been on Facebook before the beginning of 2012.  It's funny how often we end up stumbling down paths we hadn't anticipated.

     Thanks to Phil Neff for encouraging me to program movies for the two Movies At Dog Farm Events that ultimately led me here.  I look forward to programming one for the spring.

     Thanks to all the new friends and acquaintances that I met through these events (and through the Facebook page promoting them) for encouraging me, as well.  The Movies At Dog Farm blog would not have happened had I not been trying to share what were actually blog entries on that original Movies At Dog Farm group page.

     Finally, thanks to all the other bloggers I've met while getting my own blog off the ground.  I'm inclined to think better of the world in general when I see others with no vested interest in the success of this enterprise taking time out from their own projects to offer kind words, tips, and support.  Your input is greatly appreciated.

     I'd also like to take a moment to draw attention to the banner for the Horror Blogger Alliance in the Dog Farm sidebar.  They've been kind enough to admit me into their ranks.  There's loads of great content there, so be sure to check it out.

     Going forward . . . you can expect to see my thoughts on Texas Chainsaw 3D sometime next weekend.  I'm also hoping to add the occasional guest post just to keep things interesting.  Horror is my wheelhouse, but I'd like to see Movies At Dog Farm maintain a slightly broader scope.  I'll also continue to tweak existing content in the new year - Movies At Dog Farm Remembers, Noteworthy On Netflix - so if you see something you like (or don't like) please keep me posted.

     On a related note, The Dog Farm Kennel chatroom at the bottom of the page is almost always open if I'm online.  Just bark, and I should hear the notification.  The one thing I miss here in the blogosphere is the social interaction of the Facebook group page.
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     Movies At Dog Farm resolves the following for 2013:

. . . to watch at least one "regular movie" for every three "Dog Farm movies" I watch.

. . . to smile more.  My look of perpetual consternation is etching itself permanently into my face.

Photo Credit:  Dave Engledow on 1x.com and on Facebook

. . . to learn how to change a diaper with the skill and quiet dignity of an English nanny.

. . . to reserve judgement on the forthcoming remakes of Evil Dead and Suspiria until presented with the irrefutable empirical evidence that the remakes are, in fact, inferior to the originals.

. . . to create a podcast.

. . . to get through the next Movies At Dog Farm Event without pain killers or antibiotics.

. . . to do my damnedest not to age this year.  This shit has got to stop.
 
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     Keep coming to visit, and I'll do my best to make Movies At Dog Farm a place worth visiting!
                                                Have a safe and happy New Year!



Posted by Brandon Early

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Barking At The Vacuum Cleaner - November 21st, 2012

                           

      How 'bout them Walking Dead this season?  An already exceptional show has really begun to hit its stride.  Let's hope it doesn't start going all to hell like True Blood has.  For you gamers out there, the Special Buy at right is a Walmart exclusive on Black Friday, so. . . ask someone else to pick one up for you while they're there.  You don't really want to face the lumbering hordes of zombified Walmart shoppers armed with just a green and orange plastic shotgun, do you?




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    Now that you're armed, though, you'll want to make sure you're mowing down the undead properly licensed.  This zombie hunting permit is produced by Big Cat Sticker Shack, and there's one available for whatever state you're hunting in. There are U.S. and international licenses, as well, for the traveling bands of survivors trying to stay one step ahead of the zombie apocalypse.  They're only $3.99 each plus shipping.  Get yours at www.amazon.com


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     I may well live to rue the day that I said this in a public forum, but I'm cautiously optimistic that the forthcoming Texas Chainsaw 3D isn't going to blow massive monkey nuts. The pre-release stills and one sheets look promising, and I think it took some nerve to put Leatherface on this retro looking poster at right not brandishing his trademark chainsaw.  Elegantly understated, no?
     Also encouraging: this film will ignore all of the sequels, prequels, and remakes since Tobe Hooper's 1974 original and serve as a direct continuation of that original story.  Even better:  "Chainsaw" franchise veterans Bill Moseley, Marilyn Burns, and Gunnar "I'm the real Leatherface, dammit" Hansen will all make appearances.  Only Hansen will be returning to the same role, but who doesn't get chills imagining the original Leatherface on the big screen again, and in 3D?  In what I think was an inspired bit of casting, Bill Moseley (Choptop in TCM 2) will be assuming the role of Drayton "The Cook" Sawyer.  I'm actually going to leave the Cave for this one, so I really hope I'm not disappointed.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was the first midnight movie I ever saw, and meeting Gunnar Hansen at DragonCon was one of the happiest moments of my life.  The trailer is a little iffy (check it out here), but I'm staying optimistic.  Texas Chainsaw 3D opens January 4, 2013.



Posted by Brandon Early
 

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